Usually when something peculiar happens to us, the mind is quick to point out the role we played in the event. In as much as it is okay to introspect and go through the events so we can heal, we need to be careful how we blame ourselves for whatever traumatic events we may have faced.
It’s okay to take your learnings and decide what you could have done better, however… please be wary of being lost in the blame game. If we get absorbed in finding faults in our trauma, we may find it difficult to move past and heal.
It’s only natural to blame other people for how our lives turned out, for example… we may trace our pain as far back as when a mother abandoned us or to a father who was an abuser or was never around. Staying long in this stage will hinder our healing because we are not taking responsibility for our pain.
If you have been sexually violated, it’s always natural to ask questions like… what role did I play in this? Unfortunately, a lot of times people who are supposed to be our support systems do not help matters either. Sometimes, a rape survivor is asked questions like “What did you do to seduce him?” Or “Why should you go out that late in the night?” These questions will always make such a person feel like they are the cause of their trauma and not forgiving oneself is a strong indicator that the person will never get to the stage of healing.
A lot of factors come together to form us as individuals. These factors are responsible for our beliefs, actions, mindsets etc.
Some of these factors are culture, religion, background, environment, relationships etc. That’s why its advised that we always unlearn, learn and relearn.
You may have grown up with the belief that once you get to a certain age, you need to have been married and then in order to meet up to societal expectations, you fall into the hands of an abuser. Can you see how culture has molded your choice of a life partner? You may argue that you should have waited but did you know any better especially with the rate at which family and friends mounted pressures on you?
Instead of blaming yourself, find the courage to do better now that you know better. However, if you continue to stay in an abusive relationship after knowing what you do, then it may become your fault.
It’s not your fault that your parents got divorced.
It’s not your fault that you come from a dysfunctional home.
It’s not your fault that you were rejected.
It’s not your fault that you failed the exam if you did your best to study.
Its not your fault that your father walked away.
Its not your fault that your mother died when bringing you to life.
Its not your fault that you have a physical challenge.
It’s not your fault that you were sexually abused.
Breathe! It’s not your fault!
